Shame

Shame

I can't get over this feeling like Ty's being missing is entirely my fault. Things wouldn't be this way had I stayed with him. I argue this with myself over and over, that had I left when he asked me to, or had I caught my train in the first place, would any of this have happened?

I stayed with him for hours, trying to talk him down and keep him out of trouble, and in the end, I left because there was nothing I could do any longer to hold him back. Or was there? Could I have tried harder? Is this my fault?

Every time I think about it now my hands turn to fists and I want to punch through the walls when I look at the empty bedroom that's remained untouched and unused for three straight days. I look for him when I am going to work, every time I hear someone on the stairs I think it's him, and for a moment my heart lightens, but I know it's not him. I'm afraid to turn the handle on the house when I get home because I know when I do it will be locked as it was when I last left it. And when I turn the key and feel the deadbolt slide as well I feel whatever hope I had slide with it away, hidden somewhere inside that door until I lock it again, hoping it will have unlocked itself by the time I return.

Ty, I need you to come home. Because I'm worried about you, and selfishly because I couldn't forgive myself if something happened because I didn't try harder to help you.